Queen of Hearts

a steady ship on a raging sea.
a shining light in my darkest plea.
a planted rock in a rushing stream.
tough as nails but sweet as cream.
always encouraging, a constant net.
"spread your wings and try your best,
I'll always be here when you wanna come home"
wherever I went, I was never alone.
hometown girl who worked the farm,
slingin' hay in Ralph Deason's barn.
loves her coffee, cornbread, and butterbeans.
simple is better for her it seems.
she knows what is important in life,
"grin and bear it all in stride."
she's been everything i've needed her to be.
can't believe the things she gave up for me.

today is your day and i hope you know
the example you set, i strive to follow.
And when you blow your candles out
look to the heavens and give a shout
cause daddys' watchin with a furrowed brow
sayin "stupid ole woman what are ya doin' now?"

a steady ship on a raging sea.....the Queen of My Heart, She'll Always Be!
Happy Birthday Mom

pregnancy cravings....

why in the world do I get pregnancy cravings? Its crazy. The same thing happened when Joana was pregnant with Sofia. This time I am so in love with peanut butter and bananas on toast! I can't get enough.

had statistics class today. while walking to class i realized that i really do count every stair that i step up. its annoying but i have to. And if i start the staircase stepping every other step i have to keep with that pattern.

got annoyed because we got our group papers back today for class. my group got a b. argh! i'd rather just do all the assignments myself. i hate the idea that other people's work affect my outcome.....thats why i became and icu nurse. I never trusted anyone else with my patients....i wanted to do ALL of the care ALL of the time.

decided to go for a run to justify eating all my pb&b sandwiches. i'm such an out of shape fatty. we've talked about joining a gym again but i really don't like the thought of paying for it. Jo wants to join a place that has an outdoor pool. That means the YMCA. hmmmmmm... that means downtown durham and i'm not so sure i wanna be hanging out there after the sun goes down. i don't know maybe its not so bad.

so tired of being pressured to join a committee at work involving chart audits, long boring meetings, etc.... i started my own committee. Its called the DAMN committee. Its for Devoted and Aspiring Male Nurses. Its for all the guys in our unit, nurses and nursing assistants. Funny, cause i never thought it would work but my manager likes the idea and all the girls wanna join! so sorry. you have to have a penis to be in the committee. So this month we are meeting to discuss Wilderness Medicine. I found an article that we will be reading over. To get a better idea of wilderness medicine we are camping out! I know, it will be a long committee meeting but we will have a lot to discuss! I love being the president of my own committee!

work called and asked if i could come in a littler early tonight because they are short staffed......i agreed so i need to get a couple of hours of sleep before i go in.

i think i'll stick with caffeinated coffee tonight!

can you numb me up more please?

about two years ago i FINALLY went to see a dentist. It had been a very long time since I had gone...don't ask, you don't want to know. anyway, i really like my dentist because he's pretty conservative. with that being said, he and i made a plan of what work i needed in my mouth. thanks to poor coverage from my insurer, every year i max out before i can get all of my work done....but i'm getting closer! today i had a new filling and an old filling repaired. I have one more filling to have repaired then i'm done!!!!! thank you Jesus.
so i pretty much had bells palsy today. call me weak, but i can't stand the pain/sensation of a drill ripping away at bone in my mouth. i asked my dentist to numb me like three times. driving home, i looked at myself in the mirror and almost called 911! my facial droop was profound enough to warrant a worry of a massive stroke. i slept it off but woke up with a major headache.
Joana made a super delicious chili tonight. mmm mmmm good. The evening was nice. Sofia was in a wild-child mode and was hilarious. seriously, what is cuter than your kid running through the house completely naked and squealing with delight! hahahaha She did get placed in timeout for deliberately throwing her food onto the floor. When i went to get her out of timeout she holds my face and asks "Daddy, need a hug?" Wow! what a sweetheart.
then it was into the bathtub where we drew birds and trains with her crayons and had a swimming contest with her bath-time Kai Lan doll! Up the stairs we went for the night night, rocking chair, reading 3 books and prayers ritual. Its one of my most favorite times of the day. Can't believe my baby is getting so big.
Made a pot of coffee (decaf) and now jo is coming down to join me for coffee and maybe a movie.
snuggle time.

a little something random....

to get me back to bloggin.

today was ho-hum but good all the same. was home a lone with sofia and we did a lot of playing. i have a lot of school work to get done but it always takes a back burner to dancing in the kitchen, reading books, and watching elmo. so i make the most of her naptime! :-).....and then of course there's the late night. Hopefully i'll finish up my assignments tonight and have tomorrow free......grrr..,,just remembered i have a dentist appt. tomorrow. skyped with my mom twice today. was good to see her. i'm glad she's coming to visit soon and that she's coming with us on our vacation. i love that she brings such a calm, relaxed, and easy-going presence. i'm lucky to have such a great mom. jo got home from work and we hung out on the couch and watched property virgins on hgtv, then i gave her a foot massage. baby boy was kicking but as always, he gets really still when i put my hand on her belly. took out the trash, washed the dishes, and i'm about to study up for my health care policy test. made a 100% on my statistics homewook. woot. random enough? i want to go camping. ...i want to read a book. i want to drink coffee without feeling guilty. i want a full body mri just to make sure i'm not going to die tomorrow.
sweet dreams.

Toxic Emotion

there it is. there in the stillness, in the quiet. when you have exhausted yourself beyond repair, it will creep in and sit with you. invited or not, in the silence when your guard is down and your walls are crumbling....reality gets comfortable in your presence. that foreign, raw emotion burns deep in your gut, clenches your chest, and squeezes your soul. when it's just you and the void....when you can no longer believe the lies that you spin to defend your heart, the truth is spoken in a raw, toxic emotion. he's gone ...

Duke Gardens

Who says a Garden isn't beautiful in the winter?



"Every gardener knows that under the cloak of winter lies a miracle ... a seed waiting to sprout, a bulb opening to the light, a bud straining to unfurl. And the anticipation nurtures our dream."
- Barbara Winkler



Shed no tear - O, shed no tear!
The flower will bloom another year.
Weep no more - O, weep no more!
Young buds sleep in the root's white core.
- John Keats

I work hard for the money.

Never in a million years did I ever imagine it would be so hard to be committed to keeping up with a blog. I thought it would be part of my routine...wake up, get something to eat, sit down and blog away. Pshhht. I should have known. Its hard for me to consistently floss, much less be disciplined to open my brain and let it explode onto a keyboard on a daily basis. Kudos to all of you faithful bloggers who keep the posts rolling on a weekly and sometimes daily basis.
I never knew how much being a dad would really consume every second of every day. Its great. I love it. I think Sofia is our miracle from God and love being a parent, but its hard work :-) She's six months old now and time is whirling by completely out of control. I wish I could somehow wrap my hands around time and wrestle it to the ground, but honestly, I don't think I have the time or the energy to even get that done. The only reason I'm able to type this blog is because Sofia fell asleep in her sling (she's getting so big and my neck is killing me wearing this sling). Joana and I have been committed to keeping Sofia out of daycare....we joke that our arrangement sounds like a custody hearing: I have Sofia all day Monday, Joana has her Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I have her Friday and every other Saturday.... crazy I know. Family time is Thursday evening, Sundays and every other Saturdays (when Jo is not working). Thankfully we have family and friends who help out and allow Jo and I to get away on the occasional date night.
So---now that I've blabbed about not having time to blog.... lets move along

Yeah, I do work hard for the money....
This past week was absolutely crazy. My 90 something year old patient managed to kick me in the head and spit on me all while having restraints on both wrists, one ankle, and a restraining vest on. Don't ask me how he did it but I was so happy he was able to be discharged home. Typically, the patients I take care of are too sick to do high-kicks in bed....Usually they are hanging on for dear life, but not this old chap...he was full of it.
Now I never even thought about money when I chose my career, and I do absolutely love my job....but its pretty frustrating to imagine that I put myself within spitting distance of crazy old men who want to kick me in the head and then run into the next room to save the life of someones father, mother, brother, or sister...and then theres some guy who plays baseball for his job and makes millions. Seriously? he plays a game and gets millions and I save lives? Not that I think I should make a million dollars... but wheres the sense in this? And not only nurses...but teachers. Teachers mold the minds and shape the lives of our children...and we know their salaries are ridiculous. Why is it that the more impact you have on the lives of others; the closer you are to the REAL lives of humans...the smaller your salary. Well, that's how it seems anyway...and i think its absurd.

that's all.